From: American Gun Rights Organization <membership@AGRO.org>
Date: January 1st, 2047
Subject: GunZilla demands blood sacrifice – donate NOW!
As a gun-loving AGRO member, you know that Americans’ second amendment right to bear arms, defend ourselves and worship GunZilla is under attack by a conspiracy of elitist liberal hate groups.
It’s been ten years since corrupt Socialist Dickocrats and turncoat cocksuckative Republicants passed the UnGun Freedom Act (UFA) of 2037. Truly the most anti-Constitutional piece of raw sewage Congress ever flushed down that overflowing toilet called the Capitol Building. This fascist edict that used the second amendment as toilet paper has made it virtually impossible to amass a personal arsenal of assault weapons – even through illegal back-channels! So now an ultrapatriot such as yourself can barely raise a friendly neighborhood backyard militia without ending up on a terrorist watch list.
Since the UFA passed, average annual gun deaths have declined from 40,000 to just 12,000 last year. Traitorous Commie snowflakes across this once proud land applaud the reduction in firearm fatalities. They claim these Draconian laws save lives. But statistics are deceptive: what they don’t show, and what the unshepherded sheeple fail to understand, is that fewer gun deaths actually put us in much greater danger – and that things are about to get real, big time!
Because America has angered GunZilla, the One True Gun-Death God!
Our nation has forsaken the ritual human blood sacrifice that has appeased GunZilla – and prevented him from destroying humanity – since the discovery of firearms!
The ignorance, arrogance and sheer dumb-assedness of blasphemers who prostrate before the false gods of nonviolence and compassion will inevitably bring a shitstorm of 350-foot-tall radioactive reptilian gunfire and fury down on us all! The mere thousands killed by people firing guns each year are spit in the ocean compared to the carnage that a thoroughly pissed-off GunZilla will wreak if His raging thirst for human blood is not quenched!
Sorry for the long sentences…but THIS IS BIBLICAL! GODZIBLICAL! Maybe I need to write this whole email in BOLD ALL CAPS ITALICS! Because you aren’t giving us enough money!
It’s up to us, the faithful GunZilla-fearing servants of GunZilla, to save the world from Armageddon. AGRO is fighting hard to reverse restrictive gun laws and bring sanity back to a nation gone completely mad. A civilization that wants to reduce the number of firearms and human murders! But stopping the system we depend on for donations, and our very existence, is a long-term strategy. GunZilla is furious now! He could take His vengeance any day!
Our staff of professional prognosticators, oracles and soothsayers is working tirelessly to predict just how much time we have left. But they all agree that time is fast running out. We need to take immediate action.
The answer: AGRO’s 1st Annual Blood Sacrifice Drive
We are excited to announce our brand-new pro-death campaign – the Blood Sacrifice Drive! This initiative is carefully designed to exponentially increase gun-related fatalities in order to placate the great-and-powerful GunZilla’s unquenchable thirst for human souls. By massacring a measly few thousand innocent lives, we’ll save millions of innocent victims from fully-automatic firearm-breathing death! AGRO will accomplish this by offering Him a hecatomb of at least 100,000 sacrificial humans by year’s end. This is our triple-barreled battle plan:
- A targeted communications effort that promotes a positive pro-gun message through social media, television commercials and celebrity endorsements
- A cross-country barnstorming tour of the Midwestern and Southern states to organize AGRO’s most loyal soldiers at the grassroots level
- Targeted outreach to our elite Warrior-Class members urging them to take up arms and (discretely) shoot people dead – especially gun-hating profaners of our faith, who definitely deserve it
All of this takes money and resources, so please donate today! And remember: GunZilla is omnipresent and omniscient – he’s watching you! He’s also a murderous, bloodthirsty bastard of a God who would sooner bite your head off and chug your guts than forgive your sins. So, a generous tithing not only helps our vital cause: it could spare you from gruesome death and eternal gunfire!
All contributions to AGRO are fully tax-deductible under U.S. law.