December 11, 2077: Oslo 2.0, NorWay (AssPress) – The internationally renowned ecoethicist Jonas Medula today accepted the coveted fifth-annual Nobel Prize for Genocide. In a rousing speech to an enthusiastic crowd that was universally simulstreamed on all brainwave implant neuronets, Medula declared that “The Academy’s recognition of my humble efforts to sustainably exterminate homo sapiens marks a decisive turning point in humanity’s millennia-long war against evolutionary biodiversity. I sincerely hope it will inspire the next generation of suicidal genocidists, if there is one, to ever-greater heights of humane mass-murder.”
Born in 2017, Medula came of age at the peak of the current Anthropocene epoch, when human industrial activity had increased the normal background rate of species extinction by a factor of over 1,000. After earning his PhD in theoretical biophysics at 21, he led a contingent in the historic Homo Eradicatus March, which surrounded the UniStates White House in a dense mile-thick circle demanding unprecedented population control legislation. Medula’s oft-quoted statement to the gathered masses that “Humans must die so that other species may survive” established him as undisputed leader of HumAnnihilation, which is now the world’s most influential lobbying organization.
Medula’s work subsequently shifted from advocacy to mathematics and the co-founding of megatech conglomerate Liminate. His proprietary algorithmic supercomputer models revolutionized the art, science and business of targeting specific demographic groups for systematic purging. Controversially, the UniState’s Department of Commercial Justice fined Liminate $5.5 million for selling their software to hostile foreign enemies. Most notoriously, Russia – which used it to eliminate millions of registered Democrats from voting databases in 2044 and 2048 (as well as millions of its own political dissidents).
But the breakthrough for which Medula won the Genocide Prize came in 2065, when he definitively identified, with near-100% accuracy, the individuals having the most disproportionately negative impact on the biosphere in every corner of the globe. Appearing in the same year that the human population topped 12 billion, Medula’s “BioCriminals” list became an immediate InstaNet sensation. Simultaneously, his “immodest proposal” to euthanize the carbon-based energy company CEOs, prominent politicians, rogue world leaders and other ecofenders he named swiftly galvanized public pressure on world governments towards action.
Some on Medula’s hit list went into immediate hiding or secretly escaped Earth to live in exile on privately funded exosatellite sanctuaries. But over half a million more have since been summarily arrested, tried, convicted and executed for high crimes against Nature. Medula’s list has since greatly expanded to include unrepentant ultra-wealthy privateers, defiant megapolluters, black market fast-foodists and other known uberconsumers.
Having firmly established his methodology’s objective veracity, Medula has more recently turned his attention from pure computation to enforcing the planetwide EarthLaws that have passed in his wake. As such, HumAnnihilation now devotes the bulk of its resources to two key priorities.
The first is bolstering the organization’s N-Forcement unit, which is dedicated to hunting down and prosecuting the remaining fugitives on its Executive President’s list. With virtually unlimited funds and legal latitude, the unit has recruited ex-police officials, bounty hunters, reformed gangsters and an army of hackers to track criminals’ whereabouts and bring them in. Once justice has been served, HumAnnihilation’s RePsycling division renders the perpetrators’ remains in a solar-powered zero-waste facility that produces bio-organic fertilizer.
HumAnnihilation’s more recent (and ambitious) effort focuses on perfecting their patent-pending prion-based neurotoxin that fatally attacks the human brainstem while remaining harmless to all other known lifeforms. The beta version of the compound has already been deployed as an unnamed additive in Iranian Beluga caviar, foie gras entier, black market endangered animal bushmeat and other expensive delicacies that only super-rich douchebags can afford to eat.
According to a HumAnnihilation press release announcing the program six months after its secret introduction, “The number of resulting deaths was relatively small, but the soft launch’s success provides proof-of-concept that such a food-based virus-delivery system has the potential to efficiently eliminate millions or even billions. Mathematically speaking, that is what it will take to reverse mass-extinction and habitat destruction. But we are quickly running out of time, so it is urgent that the United Nations accelerate the large-scale person-purging process as soon as possible.”
Concluding his Nobel acceptance message, Medula bemoaned humanity’s barbaric past but looked hopefully to a saner future. “I couldn’t save the Polar Bear, Mountain Gorilla, Magellanic Penguin and so many other organically essential species,” he lamented, “but we must begin where we are. I am heartened and inspired by my fellow Nobel laureates in genetics, who are working tirelessly to revive extinct species, from the Bengal Tiger to Tyrannosaurus Rex. Hopefully, our collective efforts will lead to a biodiversity renaissance that ultimately restores Earth to a state of evolutionary purity.”
REALLY FICTIONAL 